Digging in the Dirt

Have you ever surprised yourself in a bad way?

In a "why did I say that, drink that much, send that email, eat all the cupcakes, or spend that much?" kind of way? Or maybe you, like me, have found yourself thinking, “Why haven’t I done (insert THE big hard thing) yet?”

A couple of years ago, my spouse and I experienced an unexpected a crushing heartbreak. While discussing that loss with friends, they invited us to join them on a trip. We couldn’t say yes fast enough. With only a few weeks to prepare, I set aside the icky feelings of grief and focused on getting ready for the trip.

Once our plane landed and we settled in at the hotel the ick resurfaced. I found myself behaving terribly toward my dear friend. Snarky, rude, selfish. I was annoyed and irritated, but at the wrong thing. After he finally reached his breaking point, we went for a long walk and talked it out— I was, and still am, embarrassed by my behavior. I was, and am, absolutely surprised by how I behaved. Over the course of time I have realized that: I hadn’t processed any of the pain. I was just being a jerk because I wasn’t dealing with my emotions.

Looking back I can see the mistakes I made, but in the moment I was unaware. I feel lucky to have a friend who was willing to call me on my bad behavior so I could course correct and not ruin the entire trip, or worse an important friendship. Part of the longer course correcting I work on is not letting that happen again, which is why I added Digging in the Dirt to this summer’s unplug playlist. This is a song that I often listen to when I’m driving to see my therapist.

Digging in the dirt

Stay with me, I need support, I'm digging in the dirt

To find the places I got hurt

Open up the places I got hurt

Why This Song?

I added “Digging in the Dirt” to the Unplug Playlist because it’s my “going to therapy” song.

For me—and for many others—unaddressed emotions can lead to behaviors that don’t align with our values. In fact those surprising behaviors can also be symptoms of something much bigger and can be clues to what’s happening below the surface. When I am brave and honest in therapy I can name these things, and it can lead to a good conversation. The hope is that together she will help me look at those behaviors and uncover how they may be tied to emotional pain.

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. -Brené Brown

The Therapeutic Link

There is a Brené Brown quote that I have taped on the wall of my pantry (above). It reminds me that darkness (hurts / unaddressed pains/ memories of toxic relationships) we all carry can do harm, and prevent one from growing.

Humans don’t magically “just get over” our emotional hurts, the same way not all wounds heal with time and a bandage, some need stitches, and some old dirty wounds get infected. For many people, therapy is about revisiting old wounds—opening them up in the light of day—and finding a new understanding. That’s what allows healing to begin.

As a therapist, I use a lens for this work called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT for short. The goal isn’t ever to change the past, it is to gain understanding, acceptance, and an understanding. While the past may not change, how we respond to our thoughts and feelings about the past matters. A re-branding of the past, if you will, to decrease our emotional pain and suffering. Rather then burying or suppressing difficult thoughts and feelings. ACT interventions tend to incorporate skills to safely disengage from emotional pain, while staying in the present moment, and seeing your whole self in context of where you are. Thus freeing some space to unplug from pain, and move in the directions of their values.

Ultimately, “digging in the dirt to find the places I got hurt” can tell us a lot about ourselves, and healing them gives us an opportunity to unplug from old stories that no longer serve us, and find a new understanding that might say “I’m still alive and I get to try again,” or gain a compassionate understanding of our current emotional pain.

This song features on our playlist this summer because I want to invite you to consider:

• What would it look like for you to dig in the dirt?

• What old stories, embarrassing moments, or limiting beliefs are you ready to unplug from?

• Can you give yourself the space to heal, the understanding to grow, and the grace to become the version of yourself you’re meant to be?